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Review: Holy Crab

My office is in beautiful Down Town Long Beach. For those who don’t know, Down Town Long Beach is home to a great many restaurants. Each of which caters to just about any of your gastro-desires.  All within walking distance from our office you’ll find eateries that accommodate just about anything you like. Sushi, Mexican food, Spanish Tapas, Greek, seafood, etc etc etc. Recently, a new restaurant opened just a block away from the office. Holy Crab (Exotic tails of the sea). Seafood. That’s always good but also really easy to screw up. Awesome, something new to try and, if it turns out, add to our list of cool places to eat.

Sadly, this will not be one of those places. In fact, we think this place is a strong candidate for Restaurant Impossible .

The first give-away should have been the fact that at noontime, on a Friday, my companion and I were the only customers in the place. Seriously, a huge restaurant (formerly a night club) located in a busy area, surrounded by packed restaurants, this place stands empty. Okay that was clue number one.

The table cloths on all the tables (at least the ones I could see) were covered in crumbs of who-knows-what. Which suddenly strikes me as odd; how is it a place with zero customers has so many messy tables? The tablecloth at our table was badly stained. Clue number two.

It took forever to get a menu and to place a drink order. Mine was a diet coke, my companion ordered water. Pretty simple right? Besides the fact that it took an unreasonably long period of time for our drinks to arrive, the waitress gave me the water and my companion, the diet coke. Strike three.

We looked around (while waiting for menus)  and realized they did nothing to change the decor left over from the now vacated nightclub. And there was this pungent odor hanging in the air that made me think of… well… a bad seafood joint. Strike four.

The menu. It was a paper menu stuffed into a filthy plastic sleeve stained with… I don’t even want to speculate. It offered crawfish dishes, shrimp dishes, crab, or lobster. It also offered hot wings, tacos, and burritos… what?  In he end, we opted not to eat there and left. Which was likely not a surprise because there was no one to see us actually stand and leave. The waitress all but vanished.

In summary, the place is very uninviting, smells, isn’t clean, has an all but absent staff, and did I mention that it smells? My companion speculated the place really functions as some sort of front, hiding some other shady operation.

Bad Boys Cooking recommends that you run fast and far away from this place. Seriously… don’t even bother. Normally I’d close by saying “Bon Appétit, but this place somehow managed to even screw that up for me. Ugh…

 

 
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